amp life–why I’m here.

So this is my first blog post. I mean, it is my first blog post, like, ever. I have never thought of myself as a writer, publicly. I process a lot mentally, and have always written, journal type content. Never for people to see, so this is new to me! I pray that what I have to say will encourage, give hope, love, grace in some way to even just one person who needs it.

I guess here I should explain why I am even here and why I am throwing myself out there for the world to see, mostly my flaws, because I am, flawed. That’s where I am now, learning to be okay with that, my flaws, and my imperfections, acknowledging them, and being okay. Notice I said, learning. I am here because I have something to say, about being a woman, being a girl, with the struggles of society, and myself. About learning to love myself, all my flaws, and still love… Me. But, it is so hard!! My story begins when I was about 10 years old… What do you think of when you think of a 10 year old? A child, right? Yes, a child. I was a child. I remember specifically a day when I wished my legs looked more like my friend’s. I wanted them to be thinner, and less muscular… I wanted the shape to be different. I hated my legs. I was a child. Is that not awful??? The only thing a 10 year old should worry about, is like whether they want to ride their bike…. Or jump rope, or something, right?! Here’s the thing… There was absolutely nothing wrong with my legs, or my body, or my health, or me. I was healthy, active, athletic, talented at many things, beautiful. I was beautiful. But I took that one thought about my legs, and let it control me for most of my life. However, at the time, I had absolutely no idea.

So, fast forward through the next 20 years of my life…. Most of them were spent starving, by choice. Not because I didn’t have access to food, because I  did, healthy food at that. Because I starved myself. I tortured my body, and my mind.

Growing up is hard enough, right? There are so many things children face through stages of life, insecurities are bad on their own. Now that I’m a mother, of all girls. My greatest fear is they have one negative thought about themeselves, or their body. I’m serious, what I went through was torture. I NEVER want my girls, or any girl, any woman, to experience it, even for one second. You see, I grew up in a time when words like ‘skinny’ and ‘fat’ were tossed around like nothing. (I say that like I’m really old. I’m really not that old, I promise. Old enough, but not that old). So here’s the thing, as much as society is trying to not use those specific words, there will always be words. You know what I mean, words that destruct our souls, tear us down, yet we use them every day. But, if we can recognize it, and change it… Or even better, learn the opposite. Learn to love ourselves before we learn to hate ourselves. Whaaaaaaat? Are you crazy?…  You ask. It may sound crazy, and I’m sure many will roll their eyes at it. That’s ok, because there are some that don’t have this issue…never have and never will, it’s so foreign to them that it is so difficult to not care what others think, not care what you think, of yourself. Yet, to the ones who know what I’m talking about, it sounds so.gosh.darn.difficult. Sometimes, it’s so difficult, we choose to give up, because it seems easier. I’m telling you, my friend, right now it may see easier to just hate on yourself and give in. But, day after day, month after month, year after year, it’s really. really. really. hard. Hard to do anything. I’m talking, it’s hard to form solid relationships, make legit decisions, be social, be happy. I’m only naming a few here. Annnnnnnd I’m getting off-track…….. So, if we learn to love ourselves first, love is stronger than hate. The great Lord even tells that, ‘above all, the greatest of these is love‘.  So, with a strong armour of love, we can fight the battles against hate. And win. So, I hope to enstow that upon my girls. Encourage them to love themselves. Everything about themselves. Even their flaws. Because they deserve it. Everybody deserves love, from others and for themselves. You see, I’ve learned, you can’t give love, if you don’t love youself. It’s truth, that’s all, you just can’t do it.

So with what I’ve learned from my past, and where I am today. With the goal of raising my daughters up in a positive light of themselves and others. I started a clothing line. To change the way we see clothes, to take the stress away of sizes. For me, it was a struggle, the sizes. It was like beating myself up every time I got dressed, not matter what the size. Even if it was super small, I wanted it to be smaller, always. So I was always pushing towards a goal, I would never reach, because it always had to be smaller. So, my clothing line has nothing to with numbers, smalls or larges. Because we are worth more than that, we are more than numbers or words to define us. So, my clothing line brought me here, blogging. Sharing my story, my flaws, my faults, my struggles, but also, and most importantly, my strengths, your strengths. My hopes, dreams, for you and me. Hoping to be a light to those who need it, a ray of sunshine through the storm. A smile, when you need one, or can’t do it yourself. I’m not perfect, I don’t have all of the answers. But I have love to give, and you deserve that!!

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